Sean
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This article is non-canon.
Information in this article is not canon and therefore does not affect the Unbroken storyline. |
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| “ | I am your mommy now, you little bitch! | ” |
–Sean, right before murdering a small child. That quote really sets the tone for the assholery to come with this article. | ||
Sean is both a major asshole and a member of the Hellriders. How such a pompous, malignant scum managed to join the ranks of Argarth De'mude's most elite troopers--much less his resistance--is beyond anyone. Due to his name, it is currently unknown what species he is, but scientists speculate he belongs to Extremus asshatus.
Early Life
Sean tore his mother's womb open and popped out like a chestburster--you know, those weird-ass things from Alien? Anyway, his mom died, and he then spat on her corpse and scurried away, leaving his father in tears. Sean was never heard from again until his adulthood.
Joining the Hellriders
After what could only be described as a lifetime of sex, drugs, pushing people down flights of stairs, drowning kittens, not closing the doors to rooms after he leaves, and selling babies for crack, Sean happened upon Argarth during his vacation to Vermude. While Sean had planned to buy a few cheap hookers and scam homeless Vasacar children out of their last few cents, Argarth's talk of revolt against the Galactic Order of Avalon seemed quite illustrious, as Sean needed the government out of the way for his master plan. Using dirty tactics, ponzi schemes, and marriage fraud to slither his way to the top of the Vigilant Reclamation Force's chain of command (well, not exactly the very top; Argarth caught Sean forging false property ownership deeds, and was denied access to the "throne" of the VRF, so to speak), Sean managed to get a spot in the Hellriders: a specialized, elite force of warriors hand-picked by Vito to bring the fight to the GOA.
Present Day
In 2125, Sean resides on Namine in the New Skopida Base, where he continues to buy cheap hookers, share heroin needles with complete strangers, and abduct children off the streets. He has affected New Skopida's economy by manufacturing false Twinkies and selling them to the masses. One buyer in-particular has become addicted to a substance within the Twinkies (most likely the creamed cocaine he uses for the vanilla filling), and therefore cannot resist buying out Sean's entire stock every time. Sean has told us here at the Unbroken Wiki that this buyer is extremely high within the Keilicaela Empire's chain of command, but has refused to release the name of this buyer. Considering the nature of this product, I think we all know who it is.
Sean also had a brief run-in with Supreme Commander Vespid Heterodonyx while at a grocery store in New Thutria. The two were both shopping for milk; Vespid got the last carton before Sean could grab it. Sean exacted his revenge on Vespid by making sure every wall Vespid leans against falls over.
Master Plan
As previously mentioned, Sean has a master plan for...something. Little is known about his master plan. What purpose it serves remains to be seen, but Sean has made a few of the requirements for this plan's fruition known:
- The death of famed guitarist Dimebag Darrell
- The fall of the GOA
- Alduin's return to Skyrim
- The Snow Elf genocide
- The election of President Barack Obama
- The coming of the battle of Ragnarok
- Half-Life 3's indefinite delay
- The rise of on-disc and day-one DLC
- The fattening of GabeN
- A shit-ton of hyperlinks
- The deportation of all Timanrans.
Interview with Sean
I, Waspinator1998, one of Unbroken's founding writers, had the rare opportunity to interview this glorious douchebag.
Wasp: It's great--although I use that word lightly--to have you here, Sean.
Sean: It's great to be here! I've already fucked the secretary and looted the fridge!
Wasp: I expected no less of you. So, how did you get into the Hellriders?
Sean: Well, I want you to think it had to do with ponzi schemes--in fact, if you don't put that on your wiki, I'll shank you in a back alleyway--but I really blackmailed Argarth into letting me in.
Wasp: Really? What dirt do you have on him?
Sean: I banged his girlfriend. After the fact, she told me that...well...
Sean then whispered something into my ear.
Wasp: That's gross as hell, Sean.
Sean: I know! That's how I got into the Hellriders! Either he let me in, or I release that statement to the public!
Wasp: You just told me, Sean.
Sean then got up, stabbed me in the stomach, and ran off. Security could not catch him, but I fortunately received the appropriate medical care.
That said, if I ever see Sean again, I will kick his fucking ass.
Seriously, give me five minutes alone with that bastard, and he will never walk again.
In Summary
Sean is an asshole who must be executed. His bounty is currently set at $200,000,000.