Amazon Empire

Now! The Alibaba Association will be crushed. Alexa! Deploy the drones!

Jeff Bezos, ordering the destruction of trillions of dollars in merchandise from his biogel tank

The Amazon Empire is a multi-planetary conglomerate corporation that won the Franchise Wars of 2025.

History

The Nuclear Era

In the year 2025, eBay attempted to attack North Korea in a bid to become the first company to sanction a nuclear attack. This spurred a nuclear arms race between Taco Bell, Coca-Cola, BestBuy, Circuit City, Target, Craigslist, Bethesda Softworks, Addidas, PeTA, FeministFrequency, and, most importantly, Amazon. The resulting "test launches" threw the world into a nuclear shitfit that resembled a cross between Fallout (which spurred Bethesda to attempt to copyright to planet Earth), Mad Max, Terminator, and that one episode of Fairly OddParents where cockroaches attained sapience. In short, the current situation of the planet Earth that was once thought to have been onset by growing geopolitical tension was, in truth, a frivolous marketing campaign designed to make people buy a season pass to continue existence.

Wasteland Supremacy

Unfortunately for the lesser franchises, Amazon Incorporated had been working on its secret Amazon Orbital Delivery Nexus since the year 1926. Powered by the despair of Saudi Arabian women, the the AODN had long surpassed the destructive potential of the atom bomb a mere 20 years or so before the atom bomb was realized by that dumbass Albert Einstein, whose "brilliance" paled in comparison to the divine inspiration inherited by the almighty Jeff Bezos. Using the tears of women oppressed by Sharia Law, steam power (both physical and GabeN-related), Mary's virginity, pure love, System32, a bicycle, and a quantum-entangled Rube Goldberg machine, the AODN was able to singlehandedly orchestrate the rise and fall of the Third Reich, thus setting into motion a chain of events that would lead to the Coca-Cola Nuclear Holocaust of 2025. With all of Amazon's opposing companies located on Earth's surface, the unsuspecting franchises were easy prey for the massive erection known as the Amazon Orbital Delivery Nexus. These franchises, seeing no trace of Amazon after the nuclear holocaust, assumed Jeff Bezos's empire to be dead. However, from the dark side of the moon, the AODN secretly supplied all of the franchise war belligerents with everything they needed for war...including Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Unfortunately, when Bethesda Softworks made the mistake of releasing Skyrim Rimjob Edition v62,411,187,547,718,487 and forced all humans on Earth to preorder five copies at gunpoint, the AODN moved into position. With the Skyrim Rimjob Edition release countdown timer ticking down, certain doom was spelled on that fateful countdown clock. When the clock stuck zero and all preorders were confirmed, the AODN bombarded the planet Earth with at least 666 copies of Skyrim Rimjob Edition delivered via kinetic from high orbit, completely annihilating all life on Earth, leaving Amazon in their orbital station the last surviving member of the Franchise Wars and the only humans in the fucking universe.

Reign of Terror

The AODN hovers menacingly over a lifeless planet known as Earth. Unfortunately for Jeff Bezos, his unholy pact with Bzabuqod, Lich-Lord of Bones, had long since expired. Bzabuqod demanded the soul of every third Vietnamese transgender who converted to Taoism. This was a deal Jeff could not uphold, so Bzabuqod rescinded his life-giving blowjobs. Understand, Bzabuqod was not the one giving these BJs; Dr. Phil had himself entered into a nasty deal with Bzabuqod and was forced to blow Jeff Bezos in order to extend his existence. With no BJs from Dr. Phil, Jeff Bezos, who had existed since at least paleolithic era, saw his body rapidly deteriorate into snowdogs. Where the power of dark arcane Bzabuqodic magic had failed him, Jeff Bezos turned to blasphemy (since worshiping a literal lich apparently wasn't already blasphemy), removing his brain and placing it into a tank full of anti-snowdog metamorphosis gel, simply called "Bio-gel" since Jeff isn't a pedantic, tedious, overly-specific asshole Bzabuqod, Lich-Lord of Bones. Now a literal floating brain in a goddamn jar, Jeff Bezos turned Amazon Alexa into his right-hand man(?), commanding the Amazon Orbital Delivery Nexus from on up high. With the Tearstream Signal Relay upgrades added to the station thanks to a previously-unspecified deal with Vince from Sham-Wow, the Amazon Orbital Delivery Nexus now had the unlimited power to bombard quite literally anything in existence that has existed, or ever will exist. This resulted in the complete and utter extinction of the dinosaurs solely because Jeff was pissed that they put sardines on his pizza.